PDA

View Full Version : Thoughts On This?


whitecrow
02-27-05, 09:19PM
This is just a taste of what I've been writing today. I would post it all, but it's err...four pages long and would bore the crap outta ya.

Tell me, what do you think of my new gear?

HONESTY, PLEASE!

I’ve lived here almost my whole life. Well, the most part of my life that I can remember. My father used to tell stories of the place we used to live when I was so much smaller. Father doesn’t tell stories anymore. Having passed on so many years ago, it kind of put a cramp in his telling. Greenfield. This place so inaccurately named so many years ago. It sits in this valley, smallest of small rolling hills on all sides but one. On the tallest of them, they built a weather station and a look out. Not many people other than the scientists who like to pretend to be able to read those measurements come up here. Not many people but me. I come up here all the time.



You can see it all from up here, even if you’re not very high off the ground. The few and far in between trees, the main street, the side streets, the way that Greenfield just abruptly stops, like it was a sneeze or an afterthought. This place, it’s only ten miles from one end to the next. It’s only an hour from what we pretend is a city, it’s only nowhere from anything that’s anywhere.



Tonight, I can see the streetlights, I can see the cars speeding over the limit, running the pointless red lights. I can see the movie complex, advertising films that were out last month, but new here. I can see the four car yards, each one pretending to be different from the next. Each one owned by the same guy. I can even see the street where my house is. It’s one of a few curved streets here. Most are straight criss-crossed, as if the plans were some kind of crossword. Most people don’t even notice or care. But I do. I like curvature, I like the way you can’t really predict it. I like it’s smoothness, like the hips of a beautiful woman, or the drops cascading off a waterfall.

JakeD
02-27-05, 09:32PM
I like it! Would you mind sending me the rest of it so that I can read it? I'm intrigued....ragingtexan@hotmail.com

whitecrow
02-27-05, 10:28PM
you're too kind. i'm going to write it at lunch times.

3..2..1.. e-mailed to j00.

Bassmama
03-02-05, 07:00PM
It's real good from what I can see. I'd have to read the whole thing to give it a fair judgement, too- so, when you gonna post it?

whitecrow
03-02-05, 08:05PM
it's not finished yet, and knowing me, it never will be. but it's upto 12 pages now...


The next morning I sat up at the piano and randomly pressed keys, feeling myself in the disjointed notes coming out of it. I knew how to play it, but at this moment, it felt right yo get it wrong. I wondered, as I lightly let loose chords here and there about the why of it all. Why had she chosen me? Why had she decided that I would do? Why had I found it impossible to resist going back that night? Why does that drawing keep pulling me back in, as if it held more secrets that I could tell.



There was a knock at the door that shook me free of my thoughts, crashing me into the here and now. I stumbled slightly as I freed myself from the piano and walked to the door, before opening it, I swear that I knew who it was before I even started wondering. I opened the door without any hesitation and moved aside to let her in.

“You came back”

“I said that I would”

Again, she wore that indigo dress, maybe she had more than one, maybe she never got dirty. It’s hard to get dirty when you float like she does.

“It’s out the front”

She didn’t wait for me to follow, she just clicked her heels and turned around, walking at a medium pace. I traced her steps in confusion, but it was relieved as I stepped onto the front lawn. There, in resplendent classic beauty was a car that I could only see in vintage coca-cola ads and beach boy video clips on late night MTV.



Common sense was disabled and I approached the car with abandon, it was something out of a dream. Chevrolet Impala SS, 1963 creamy blue, leather interior, perfect – above perfect condition. It had been given a make over of sorts, seat belts had been added, a CD player, unleaded gas system instead of the standard. But, despite these imperfections of modern culture – it was unbelievable.

Bassmama
03-03-05, 06:04AM
Excellent- but does need some editing- punctuation, mostly. The first part seems to be a bit choppy, but don't change it until I read the whole story- I'll PM you my email if you want to send it to me & I'll do some editing for you if you want? Before you change your format, I want to see the tone of the rest of the story...

Keep going! Great so far!