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JakeD
02-22-05, 12:50AM
Well, I'm aching to work on something, so I've got the proceedings of a short story going. I want to know what you guys think before I continue...it's a bit heavy on the profanity and all that good stuff, so I just want to forewarn you. Either way, I'm floundering for some sort of input, I guess. :P
“Don’t point that thing at me.”
He didn’t listen.
“HEY, MOTHERFUCKER!” I screamed. “DON’T POINT THAT THING AT ME!”
That seemed to get his attention. Cleve shrugged absentmindedly and blurted a quick “Sorry.”
“ ‘S’aight, bro, just don’t fuckin’ shoot me in the face like you did that guy and we’re cool.” I scratched my head in a rather irritated fashion. “So what in the living hell do you want to do with him? Hell, you offed him, I should leave the responsibility to you, you dumb bastard.”
Clive shrugged again. He was never big on words, but he had no problem with filling some cocksucker’s face with an entire clip’s worth of fifty-cal bullets. Fucking moron. “Well, Donnie…I guess we should load ‘im in the back of the truck, for starters.”
“What fucking truck, Cleve? You drove it into the guy’s shack! If you can get that motherfucker to run, I’ll give you the best blowjob you ever had.”
“Wouldn’t beat that fish I caught yesterday, man. I dragged that lil’ ol’ bass in and slipped him on my dick, and it was like heaven. HEAVEN! You don’t get that kinda pleasure from any woman.”
”Goddammit, just shut up about that goddamn fish. You’re fucked in the head, Cleve. You’re one stupid son of a bitch, but you’re crazier than a shithouse rat. Only problem is, nobody sees it but me.”
I mopped an ungodly amount of sweat from my face. The current situation had me sweating like a fat woman in an orgy, but the sweltering West Texas weather didn’t help much either. Fucking sun. I wish we’d just get some rain. A few days’ worth, like those East Texas assholes seem to get all the time. Just enough to wash us clean. To wash away this situation.
I was too caught up in wishful thinking. Cleve brought me back to Earth by stomping on my left foot. The same foot that was recovering from the most godawful ingrown toenail ever. I retaliated by screaming like a woman and slapping the living shit out him.
He gasped and rubbed his cheek like it had never happened before. Kinda reminded me of my ex.
I guess I owe you guys the privilege of explaining just how all this came to be. My name’s Donnie Calver. I work at a hardware store in Van Horn, Texas, along with my piss-poor excuse of a buddy named Cleveland McClelland. We’ve known each other for around about a decade, all starting when the redneck bastard got caught drinking beer in the lumberyard, and I took up for him and said that I brought it to share. We both got suspended for a week, so I figured “Why not at least get acquainted with him. I ain’t got nothing better to do aside from maybe jack off to that cute blonde from Good Morning, America.”

Mr. Bojangles
02-22-05, 02:45AM
Hmm. Well Jake, I ain't no writer, but you've got a good start there. A couple of awkward turns of phrase, but a good start, anyway. Start by cutting the dialogue into its own sections and I think you'll see what I mean.

whitecrow
02-22-05, 02:31PM
Reads like tarrantino, if that's what you were going for. More, please..

Marsbert
02-22-05, 02:50PM
crow's right, it does remind me of tarantino. i like the dialogue the most. i wanna see more! ;)

show me yours and i'll show u mine, if i ever write anything again :(

Evilpoptart
02-22-05, 03:01PM
Mars, you just want to show your boobies again, WE KNOW

Thaum1el
02-23-05, 08:44AM
Jeke, how about that fish?

But seriously, I like this one. It has a good start that throws you into the action right away and makes you want to know what the heck happened. So, tell us, mate, what the heck happened?

JakeD
03-16-05, 12:55AM
I've got too many irons in the fire. I'm not sure if I want to actually write the one that I originally started when I posted this thread. I ended up working on another one after catching a whiff of the litterbox (strangely enough). I'd like to get an opinion on this one too, and I promise I'll work on the previous one for those of you who liked it.

Cat shit. That’s what I’ve been smelling and tasting for the last hour. Assholes came in, roughed me up, tore up my place, and tasered me. Must have been my lucky day, because the litterbox broke my fall. Duke, my tabby, suffered from a serious case of “what the fuck” for about ten minutes, milling around me, sniffing, no doubt trying to think of a rational reason for my presence in his shitcan before finally deciding to go pee in the planter that rests on the windowsill. Smart kid. I think I’ll keep him. After spitting out a few crystalline turds and a mouthful of Tidy Cat, I pulled myself up off of the carpet to survey the damage. Those bastards broke everything. I’ll bet you they even snapped all my toothpicks in half. But I’m almost positive that they stormed out of here all pissed off because they didn’t find what they were looking for. Amongst the mess that used to be my apartment, I smile. That’s the one thing that’s keeping me on the sunny side of the street, is the fact that those jerks are still milling around the city looking for the one thing that can bring them all down, and I’ve got it right here.

It all started two months ago when I was running a bit of a collection agency. I wouldn’t be so bold as to call it a collection agency in the sense of the word, although most collection agencies are full of crooked fucks by default, but I still did very well thanks to some not-so-clean connections. Living amongst the dregs and the scum of the city can work out to a fantastically powerful advantage over those who aren’t quite willing to dirty their pretty little hands over a measly $1000. Especially since where I live, your life is worth a lot less than $1000. Considering that I’ve managed to multiply my net worth by 1000, I’m doing pretty well. Anyways, I went to go beat my money out of this one particular asswipe…a total waste of space they called Jimmy the Christian, because he always prayed before offing someone. Most people feared him, I just thought that the asshole watched Pulp Fiction too many times. Then again, when you’re a man of my stature, you don’t fear too much short of a loaded tommy gun, an angry woman, and the Devil himself. So, you could imagine my surpise when I ambled my big ass up to the doorstep of Jimmy the Christian and saw him raping a girl. I went nuts. I tore through the door and destroyed half of his furniture while making a beeline straight for him and this poor girl that he had snatched off of Main Street. I grabbed him by the throat and ripped him off of the girl. He looked a little pissed, but I was burning goddamn hellfire.

Mr. Bojangles
03-16-05, 08:44AM
All right Jake, keep it comin'. Don't leave off an ending like the zombie story...I need more. Please. I'll even let you feel me up.....

Bassmama
03-16-05, 11:01AM
Oooooo... let me know what Bo feels like, Jake! And keep writing, will ya? You get us hooked, then leave us hanging!! (You do that with sex, too?????)

whitecrow
03-16-05, 01:39PM
You have the same problem as me, Jake, the "I start shit and never finish it" disease. It's fun, innit?

Mr. Bojangles
03-18-05, 11:43PM
Dammit Jake!! MORE!!! NOW! OR YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!!!