What happened to integrity?

[Lilith]

I have been cheated on before by a boyfriend in what I had considered to be an exclusive relationship. I had put my trust in a man and later found out that he was cheating on me. I showed up at his place a bit early and he wasn’t back home yet. His mother told me to just get on the computer if I wanted and browse the net or whatever till he got back. I turned the thing on and… the rest is really history. Let’s just say that there was more than one other female involved and they thought I was him logging on.

*shudder*

Yeah, where was I? I turned the computer off, I waited for him to get home, and called him on the whole thing in front of his mother. He really had nothing to say other than “eeeermmm…”. I told him I was breaking up with him and tried to walk out. What bothered me the most then, I guess, were two things—the first one was that his mother (who liked me) begging me to forgive him and to give him another chance. The other one was the fact that he cheated on me. He swore love to me and I had thought he was serious, and this man went behind my back and had other girlfriends, some in RL and some online. This lowlife lied to me and cheated on me!

It’s been years since then, but I still think about it at times. What shocks me now is how little these words seem to shock people. It is as if sometime between the time I got out of high school (not that damn long ago!) and this day and age, cheating stopped being the horrible thing I thought it was. For some reason lying to the one who loves you and betraying them with someone else has stopped being the bad thing I learned about, or so it seems. I have seen people around me cheat on their spouses and significant others, and people around them taking that in stride, like it is not a big deal. What happened to lying and cheating being wrong, being a bad thing to do? Have the concepts of love, honesty and commitment lost so much meaning, seemingly in the blink of an eye?

[Diva]

A similar thing happened to me. I dated this guy for almost year. Towards the end I knew where werent going anywhere and we became friends. Right before he started acting weird and I decided it wasnt worth it. We worked together and he spent the whole day 'ditching' me. Then someone told me about his black eye. When I made him come to see me and asked him about it he said that he was at a friends house whose boyfriend was very jealous and punched him. I always told him honesty was the most important thing in a relationship, so I let it go.

After we broke up he offered to let me have an extra computer desk. I drove to his house and let myself in. After he didnt show up for an hour I started to take the desk apart and put it in my car. The phone rang and when I picked it up some chick asked if Tom was home yet. She explained that he said he had to leave because he wasnt feeling well and she wanted to make sure he was ok. I was livid. He lied to me and her. THEN she told me how they had been dating for over a year (while we were together) and wanted to 'girl chat' so I could give her pointers on him. I held my tongue and told her to talk to Tom when he got home. The chick could tell that I was upset and kept calling back. At first I wanted to cuss her out... but she had nothing to do with it. By the time Tom got home I was throwing the desk out of my car and trying to leave. After asking me 20 times what was wrong I yelled, "Ask Robyn" and slammed the door. His face was sheet white.

It took me a while to want to date again. I'm one of the easiest people to get along with, as long as your honest. Betray me and you dont exist. I'm not hateful, but I dont forgive.

Honesty and love have always been important to me. They go hand in hand. If someone cant be honest (which isnt a hard thing to do) then they could never really love me.

[whitecrow]

The worst part of my life - it damn near drove me over the edge was when a girl cheated on me, dumped me and left me for dead. It was a very harrowing time that I don't like to talk about very much.

Let's just say that there are bad seeds on BOTH sides of the fence.

[Bassmama]

Welcome to life. (sarcasm here, too.)

Funny you posted about this. For 13 years, I thought I was with the "perfect" man- kind, loving, warm, honest, faithful- everything I wanted & never seemed to be able to find. At least, in the beginning he was. He put himself up so high on his pedastal in judgement of others that lied, cheated, & were in the least dishonest that I trusted him 150+ %. I used to tell all my friends "look in the dictionary under the word "faithful" & you'll see his picture." & he was my "best friend".

There were increasing problems throughout the years that he refused to deal with & he increasingly took me for granted, but I always believed in his faithfulness & honesty.

Then, 1 1/2 years ago I caught him starting to cheat on me, lieing, sneaking.... the only thing he hadn't done was have sex with the woman. He refused (as usual) to work on our marriage problems (if you deny it, it doesn't exist, does it?) & instead moved out. For the last year, he's been with a woman that was cheating on her husband with him & consequently her 27 year marriage broke up. He has done nothing BUT lie, cheat, sneak... every time I speak to him. Now it's in my lawyer's hands.

This is my second divorce. The first one was a dishonest cheat, too. I brought my son up by myself. I USED to be a "lady"- never cursed, thought, or acted "out of line". I've changed. Now I am blunt, honest, got a raging sense of humor, & have a standard that *I* have to live by. I may not be a "lady", but I WILL not lie, cheat, sneak, hurt other people, or participate in someone else doing so. I have to live with me. What you see is what you get- no apologies.

End result? Although this was intensely painful & a horrible shock at first, it IS the biggest favor my husband ever could have done for me. It is another beginning. I finally realized how much happier I am & now he's someone else's problem. Every day is a gift & a challenge- LIVE it! Experience the joys, the pain, the big & little things & realize that you have to live by your own standards, but that doesn't mean that anyone else will. Just know that the pain will get better & you need to mourn & get on with your life. There are MANY more of us here that have been through it- if you need us, let us know.

SUE

[Bassmama]

Oh- BTW- the sarcasm was NOT aimed at you! I just got home & re-read my thread! It's sarcasm aimed at life- 'specially mine.

[thestarsfall]

Strange thing....

...we were talking about something like this in my world issues class...about arranged marriages and such....my teacher was saying that in today's world if you love someone one day you marry them and then if you dont love them the next day you divorce, but then in the cultures where there are arranged marriages the ppl marry and then learn to love, not the other way around.....

....yeah anyways.....i think ppl cheat because the world is making more and more ways for them to cheat and not get caught easily (cybersex etc)....so the ppl who would have cheated before but were too afraid are now cheating and the ppl who cheated before are cheating still....

...i personally would just cut off the relationship if i ever had the urge to cheat....cheating is just wrong so dont do it...


....yeah im all over the place in this post but im sick and my head is still in yesturdays test....

[Redallnite]

Don't ya'll know that men are nothing but slobbering dogs!! Maybe Blue is true blue, for he has told me about gals trying to come on to him........ hehehe.... Oh and the "B" for he knows I would make him Captain Blue Balls.

Ya'll i'm not making light of it, but you know that saying "boys gotta be boys.":rolleyes:

You see this picture of one of Diva's friends...... That is a man thru and thru............

[tbrwild]

Ok Red, I am probably one of the worst males, In all you women at NCT's oppinion, But I am probably one of the most honest easy going males You couldd ever meet. I spent 16 years being a dick to a woman I really did love and it took her leaving me to figure out You females are not toys. I have been with the same woman every since, for four years...Been building shitty fucked up porn sites and have been around some of the most wigged out shit You can probably imagine and still have never even "really, seriously" Screwed up. I see some of dumbest, weirdest, perverted shit doing what I do and I think it makes me actually look at life and love in a different way than I ever have. Sometimes I am discusted at the things I see in this world......Not all men are Pigs and Dogs, Or I would like to hope.;)

[JakeD]

Originally posted by Redallnite
You see this picture of one of Diva's friends...... That is a man thru and thru............

....ONE OF HER FRIENDS? I'LL KILL 'IM!!!! :P

I used to be a pig too, tbrwild. I fully admit to it. I took advantage of whichever girl would let me, used girls that I knew for fuck buddies, etc. Then I fell for a girl who was totally the wrong type for me. She liked to party hard, so did I, and I ended up falling in what I thought was love with her. Then she cheated on me. She was evasive for a while, and then begged me to get back with her. She told me that she had stopped doing speed, etc., and I gave her the chance. One day we were hanging around and I noticed a bottle of minithins (ephedrine) pills in her purse.

I grabbed them, held them up to her face, and went off the handle. Then I drove her home, told her to get the hell out, and that I didn't want to see her ever again, and drove off. After that, I had been burned, so I sort of laid low, dated one girl who was very sweet and sort of helped me get my confidence and my sense back, and then she moved...then I met Diva. I found myself a different person who had been through many changes as of recently, and started treating her like I wanted to be treated. All I got back was unconditional respect and appreciation, and I was dumbfounded. Now I'm happier than I've ever been, and wouldn't trade anything for who I have now. And I'd be an idiot if I fucked it up.

Kinda sad that we guys have to be broken a few times before we finally stop taking things for granted, eh?

[Bassmama]

Unfortunately, some men never learn. Same goes for the women, but we're called names when we do it.

I think it comes from how we were brought up. Males of this society seem to have a sort of "permission". Sons aren't "men" if they don't have sexual experience by the time they're 16 or 17- when the fathers hear that their son has had sex, there's the reaction of "That's my SON! The STUD!" You NEVER hear a parent tell others how his son will be locked up until they're 20 so they won't be "violated", but you almost ALWAYS hear parents say that about their little girls.

Funny thing is- almost every girl/woman I've ever known wanted to stay the "good little girl" until they were married, but were pushed, cajoled & bullied/talked into having sex by their boyfriends- then THEY are called "whores" & "soiled". (If we aren't pure, it's 'cause some man made us that way!)

Same thing with when you get older. It's somehow more acceptable if men screw around a lot &/or cheat on their partners. After all, "men will be men" & "they're all alike", right? I've even heard the theory that it's an inherant thing in men. Yeah, right. Now the women have adapted some of the traits that men were always allowed (leveling the field). Doesn't make it any better.

It's only when you learn what's most important to you & take the responsibility for your treatment of others & their feelings, and the ultimate consequences of your actions ESPECIALLY to yourself, that you finally learn honesty & integrity & stop playing the games.

Don't get me wrong- if freelance fucking is what you want & you have a partner that's into it as well, then there's nothing wrong in it- as long as it will not hurt anyone else & both parties are honest about it & free to do it.

I only wanted one man in my life. Unfortunately, my first husband wanted EVERY female he came across in his life.

My 13+ year marriage is ending because my (second) husband cheated, lied, snuck around, & played head games. I was stuck in an unhappy marriage for quite a while & would not dishonor my partner with dishonesty, yet that's the first think he did when he got half a chance. The fact that he was dogging after another woman wasn't HALF as much problem as the dishonesty & disrespect, but I've heard more than once about how "it's just like a man." I think it's "just like a dishonest person".

Taking others for granted comes from all sexes, but seems to be a bit more common (and accepted by society) among younger men. Glad to hear there's some of you out there that got your shit together.

I put an ad on a free dating site & so far have had 3 answers- 2 from men who are married & want to fool around on their wives (one of them even used the "but she doesn't understand me" excuse- I told them both that I was in process of getting rid of my own cheating dog of a husband- what would I want with someone else's?) & one that says he's divorced. I'm not entirely convinced of that either, so the jury's still out.

Anyone know of an extremely honest, caring, loving man between 40 & 60 that wants a 100% honest & somewhat crazy woman in his life to laugh, have fun, & play with? Nah, neither do I. Not around here, anyway.

SUE

[Redallnite]

Bassmama, I'm sorry about your ex. I have a daughter that is almost 20, but I remember just how my momma told me when I was that age. I rebelled and wanted to prove her wrong.......... She is now trying to do the same to me.......... boy how what goes around comes around..........

[Bassmama]

It took me over 20 years to trust a man enough to want to marry again- before that I was the queen of avoidance; constantly picked the "wrong" guy to be with so that I WOULDN'T stay with anyone for too long. (that way I wouldn't get HURT again.) I was divorced from #1 at age 21 & married #2 at age 42. Looking back, both breakups were MUCH more good than bad. It's just dealing with the day to day crap that comes with the whole thing that makes me impatient, but for the first time, I have a somewhat long term plan in mind, and I'm NOT sitting around pining away like I did the first time.

Thanks, Red. Yeah, funny how things repeat themselves from generation to generation, isn't it? In another thread, I believe it was Lil that wrote about young people not trusting anyone over 30. Guess what? It was MY generation that came out with that. I didn't believe it back then & I don't believe it now, even though there are lots of people of all ages that definitely not trustable. I think it's a right of passage & a way for "kids" to discover themselves & prove that they are independant enough to live on their own. Whaddya think, you younger members??

Have a good day!

SUE