If You Were The Richest Man Alive

[Diva]

You help a feeble old man cross the street. He asks your name, thanks you and is on his way. A week later you get a letter stating that the old man was in fact the richest man alive, and he left everything to you.

So, what are you gonna do now? Besides buy me my dream car/house. Heh.

[Amaurote]

That's easy, Diva: I'd go out and buy a nice new keyring, one of those nice plastic fluorescent green ones with the one-inch split ring. I've always wanted one of those.

That would account for the first dollar of my new-found wealth. I'd spend the rest on dolly mixtures. That goes without saying, of course.

[The_Roach]

Don't misunderstand me, it's not love I'm trying to buy.
It's just, I've got all this money and I'm a pretty ugly guy.

I really dislike money, so odds are that the first thing I would do is invest enough money that I could live off the interest in the style that I'm accomodated to. Live in a two bedroom apartment, turn the master bedroom into a personal library and sleep in the second bedroom.

With the remaining funds, I would probably do what Hershey did with his fortune. Open a school for underpriviledged children, which would also support itself solely on yearly interest. If there was any left over after that, it would go towards public libraries and other education related programs.

[Amaurote]

Who needs public libraries when you can have a nice new plastic fluorescent keyfob with a one-inch split ring instead?

Plastic fluorescent key-rings: Hours of entertainment for all the family.

[aussie]

Its ok amaurote roach just doesnt understand. The public doesnt want books they would never understand such things. Ah key rings with one inch split rings now thats what they understand. The public needs key rings to sustain them through these difficult times. Im not sure about flouresent green though after all these things could fall into the hands of the aged and I cant really see that as a positive step. But books they would never understand the concept. The public are such children
Dunces even

[Amaurote]

Yes, Aussie, but the fluorescence of the nice new plastic keyring is actually the most critical element, in that it makes it much easier to see. This would save me having to buy a new one in the event of my aging or growing short-sighted, and would be particularly useful if I chose to add utensils to the keyring, like, say, keys. I've never actually needed keys before but I imagine they'd go well with my dandy new fluorescent plastic keyring.

Still, why torture ourselves? All this is just a dream. Now back to the mundane, keyless and, indeed, keyringless mundanity of my present-day existence.

[Jennafer]

I'd buy two big houses with servants and lawn people and limo's. One would be near home (family/friends) and the other would be in a warmer climate for the winter. I'd give half to my boyfriend, so I'd know he wasn't with me for the money. Then I'd spend all my time at my pool drinking champagne and getting tan. And having parties.

[Anton]

I'd buy an immensely large plot of land and buiold a huge mansion underneath it, the only way out would through an elevator to the surface. The exit at the top would be shaped like a telephone box a la Doctor Who.

Imagine the biggest field yo've ever seen completely empty except for a telephone box. That'd be cool.

Puddin' (irrelevant but a good word, nearly as good as splatter)

[Villager]

Right-wing take-over ahoy!

I would start my own political party, and with such vast funding I would obviously become Prime Minister within the next election. I would attend to the issues that British Supremos seem to ignore, and generally return the country to prosperity, from top to bottom. It wouldn't be easy, of course, but then with all that extra money..!

And, you know those play-pits you get filled with differently coloured balls? A super-sized, home-adapted one of those.

[aussie]

without out former colonies England wil never again return to proserity. Like all empires England has had its day in the sun and is now in its decline. England can no longer feed her self or even support her monachy. Take a long look at Egypt Vill and see your future. Hey life in the third world probably isnt that bad mate after all lots of people live it hehehe :finger:
Sorry mate but your going to be a coolie in your own country. Do you like rice???:)

[Amaurote]

There is an alternative to a fascistoid Villager junta, though, Aussie: I say we eat the rich and make a huge blood pie from the leftovers. We can then turn the royal family into soldiers and dunk them in aforesaid blood pie, surviving for generations on marrow, flesh and adipose tissue drawn from their bloated, parasitic bodies.

I fully appreciate that soldiers are essentially designed for dunking in boiled eggs rather than blood pies, but I'm far too unimaginative to think of a way of integrating the two distinct metaphors.

http://www.bath.co.uk/lettonie/images/soldiers.jpg

Incidentally, Vill, if you ever get around to leading a charismatic ultra-rightist political party in England, I recommend using Alan Moore's V For Vendetta as the basis: it's an beautifully precise, elegant dystopia positing a Third World War and a remote, technologically-astute fascist by the name of Adam Susan, who rules the country with the aid of the state machinery, which he names after parts of the body: The Finger is the collective name for the stasi, The Eye is the surveillance network, etc., etc. Very impressive, and a graphic novel to boot.

Anton: I know what you mean about that TARDIS: there's genius in the idea, and no mistake. When I was 11 I went to Blackpool and entered a Dr Who exhibition. There was a TARDIS/police-box attached to the outside of the building, which functioned as the porch; you entered it and Hey Presto! The seemingly infinite interior of Dr Who's TARDIS was thereby ingeniously replicated by the use of cheap props and clever lighting.

Perhaps ingenious is too potent an expression. Then again, the sight of Daleks moving in terrifying phalanx in response to the simple insertion of a 50 pence piece made quite an impression on me as an 11 year old street urchin, I have to say.

Did I mention dolly mixtures? Good, good.

Everything is going extremely well.

[aussie]

I dont believe so old bean. Perhaps you could enlighten us as to dolly mixtures. I would be most assuredly delighted if you could find it within your self to share.
Thanking you in anticipation
Garry

[Amaurote]

http://www.whom.co.uk/sugar/sort_mix.jpg

You can have any one you want, Aussie, except the nice round sugary jellied ones. You can insult my country, pour scorn on my politics and deride the reputations of my nearest and dearest with complete impunity, but abstract the nice round sugary jellied dolly mixtures at peril of your Antipodean life.....

[aussie]

Oh thank you terribly old thing.
Would it be possible to part you from that lovely little tricoloured thingy?
Top of the morning to you there Mr Amaurote
Thanking you once again
Garry

PS perhaps you could point people to the official web site of Dolly Mixtures

[Amaurote]

Yes, of course. But I exhort you on the souls of Ned Kelly, Alf Stewart and Kylie Watson to leave the nice round sugary jellied ones alone, mortal.

Incidentally, I'm not even sure that dolly mixtures really are a trademarked brand these days: like sellotape, hoovers and aniseed balls, they probably aren't even covered by trademark law any more. If a word enters the language as a synonym for a whole range of products, it no longer retains trademark protection.

Every success has a price.

#1. buy microsoft and make it a non-profit organization.
#2. somehow get bill gates and all the ceo's to consent to being janitors in my building.
#3. hire a large, ferocious, violent criminal to violate bill gates on a daily basis and arrange it such that should he say anything all the pictures will be posted on the web.
#4. take one month and have all the nastiest, kinkiest, dirtiest sex imaginable with the sweetest looking girls i can find.
#5. investInvestINVEST
#6. buy some SERIOUSass oil reserves and lower the prices and sell only to the US.
#7. give $.50 to charity.
#8. buy MTV and make those fuckers play decent musicvideos for a change.
#9. put out a hit on a certain lecherous fuck that use to frequent this spot.
#10. hire all the best professionals in the world to train me in 10 different deadly martial arts for 10 years.

i got lots more, but i'll spare you those.