i could use some advice

[bigdaddy]

hey gang

i just found out my dad is dying of cancer,and he doesn't have much time left. my problem is my dad and i are not very close at all,and i don't know how to react to this? Before i go any further let me tell you about my dad. He will never ever win father of the year,this is a man who beat my brother and i almost daily for years. if we stepped one inch out of line we got beat, usually with his belt. we also got verbally abused and for awhile my brother and i couldn't remember who was shit-head and who was asshole. He cheated on my mother and after 30 years of marriage, he had the marriage annuled so he could marry his secretary! this made my brother and i legal Bastards in the eyes of the catholic church. He now lives in another city with his new family and really could not care less about his two children or his two precious grandchildren. am i wrong in not feeling that much sorrow for this man? should i go to him and make peace before he dies? i really could use some insight in this matter please.:confused: :confused:

[maryellen]

Some folks might say, that this is the man who gave you life... and you should make peace with him.... I am a heartless bitch..

He may be the man who gave you life, but doesn't sound much like a father. You can feel pity for the man and feel sorry for the man that he's been given a death sentence. That's brutal for both him and his family. But you are in no way obligated to maintain a connection to him. Sounds like you have been doing pretty OK on your own.

Whatever your choice is, and it is your choice, do what feels right in your heart and your conscience because you are the one who has to live with it. The peace you have to make is with yourself, and if you go to see him - do it for you - not for him.

Dying should not be any kind of reason for people to reunite, love is what brings people back together, and doesn't sound like there's much love there.

[Diva]

Hi Bigdaddy. I understand where you are coming from. Let me give you a little background, or skip the next paragraph and read my suggestion.

I was adopted at birth. My father wanted a brood of children and my mother had two miscarrages after her first. But, she felt that if the child wasn't hers, it was wrong. She agreed to sign on as legal guardian in case of death and my dad as sole parent. He hired a nanny to take care of me and that's how I grew up. My mother resented my close relationship with my father and took it out on me whenever she could. (verbal and physical abuse, tried drowning, bla bla bla). When she gave birth to two kids after me, they were raised to say that I wasnt blood so they didn't have to love me. My older sister was taught the same. My dad died when I was thirteen and she waivered legal rights. I became an emancipated minor so that I didn't get stuck in a foster home. I saw her once when I was 16. I don't hate her. I pity her. I loved my father and he was both a mom and dad to me. I was lucky he adopted me.

She smoked, drank and ate sweets even with diabetes and ended up needing a new kidney. Two years ago my brother contacted me to say that she had died two weeks earlier from cancer of the eye. Part of me was angry that I wasn't able to make peace. But my father raised me to know that when I make a decision, remember the consequences. I could have contacted her throughout the years, but chose not to. I never wanted to make amends, just speak my peace and leave. She was a horrid woman and illness doesn't change the past.

Sorry for the long assed story. I think you should think about why you never spoke to him before. "Illness doesn't change the past." If you had no desire to talk to him before, than this shouldn't change anything.

Maryellen, you're not cold hearted in the least. :)

[JakeD]

Bigdaddy, this seems like a very tough situation. My grandfather died of cancer, but he and I were very close, so it was an entirely different can of worms between he and I....as for your bitterness towards your father, I can sympathize. My father was a great guy up until he started drinking excessively and beating my mother. This was before I was born. I remember my uncle telling me about how she had hit him over the head with a coffee table and blacked both of his eyes after she had taken enough abuse, and left him a couple of weeks later....he took a turn for the worse, drinking more often and smoking constantly, and then he finally suffered from a stroke and dropped dead, all alone, when I was still pretty damn young.

I didn't really care. I didn't know much about him then. As I grew up, I guess everyone finally thought that it was time to let me know about him, and in spite of all the good things I heard about him...I felt no remorse for his death. Sure, I would have loved to have had him in my life...sober, sane, compassionate. But not the loser that he came to be. He died a loser. And as far as I'm concerned, he deserved it. There's nothing worse than growing up with a void in your life that's periodically filled by good and bad people. Hell, I think of my grandfather as more of a father than anyone else that has ever been in my life. He was responsible, taught me right from wrong, taught me how to live my life and to be respectful to others. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for him and my memories of him. (fuck, I'm crying now)

As for wanting to make peace with your father....that's ultimately your decision. As much of a cop-out answer as that may seem, you have to make the choice as to what to do with him. Do you want to be the better man and tell him of your frustrations, of what you needed from him, of what he could have been? Or do you stay strong and leave him to his fate? It's a very tough decision. If my father had died when I was the age that I am now, I would have told him. I would have made my peace.

But as I said, it's a matter of personal preference.

[bigdaddy]

thank you ladies i feel a bit better, and i agree with diva, you are far from cold hearted maryellen, you are a sweetheart as are you diva

BIGDADDY HUGS BOTH BOTH DIVA AND MARYELLEN SOMEHOW HE CAN'T LET GO

[bigdaddy]

thanks jakeD your story touched my heart. you made things alittle clearer for me

[kittyroze]

Just a thought, I very much agree with what was said above...
but also...
If you're the type to feel guilt about these things or have a heavy conscience, I'd say visit him and say what's on your mind...be it positive or negative...he's not the one who has to live on, you are. So whatever you think will make you feel okay about this.
But if you honestly don't care to see him, then that is totally valid. It's your right.

[bigdaddy]

thanks kittyrose

i'm torn between should i feel sad or shouldn't i? it's really hard to explain, i feel like i'm not a good person if i don't feel some remorse, but it's soooo damn hard to find any

[Diva]

BD... If you want to feel sorry that a human being is dying, then I can understand. But you don't have to feel bad for someone just because their blood. People have to earn respect and love. He didn't. Your emotions are your own. No one can dictate what you should feel. And you shouldn't feel bad because you don't feel sad. Just keep being you.

[bigdaddy]

thanks diva

not only are you beautiful but wise as well

[dc]

Be the person you wanted him to be.