Domestic violence

[SysLord]

Domestic Violence
Irish Times 23/04/2002

Violence frequently dominates the headlines, whether it be violence on the streets or on motorways or behind the closed doors of private homes. Most attention this week has been directed to violence perpetrated on our roads and, in the dark period we are currently going through, this is entirely understandable. But our attention has been also been drawn to other types of violence against women, men and children: namely sexual abuse and domestic assaults.

This type of violence is not the preserve of joyriders or of out-of-control children. Too often it is committed by those who would be seen as the betters of the young people who have been the subject of condemnation this week and last.

The Sexual Abuse and Violence in Ireland report, commissioned by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, found that forced penetrative abuse has been experienced by 10 per cent of women and three per cent of men. This is a startling and depressing finding. The study was carried out by the Royal College of Surgeons and involved telephone interviews with over 3,000 randomly invited adults. This is an entirely valid research method carried out by a reputable body and must be taken seriously.

Yesterday, at a conference organised by Women's Aid, we learned from Mr Don Hennessy, director of the Cork Domestic Violence Project, that only three per cent of perpetrators suffer sanctions. He wants to see the widespread use of court orders which would oblige perpetrators to attend therapeutic programmes. Other speakers called for family law courts to work in public, with cases reported by the media, to bring home the nature of family violence in Ireland and to encourage more victims to come forward.All that said, it is noticeable that our response to the climate of violence in which we live is to look for ways of "fixing" the problem.

It is remarkable that we do not seem at all inclined to discuss and debate what this says about our philosophy, our morality, our way of acting as social beings. There was a time when we were encouraged to think that all such issues were settled and that there was nothing to debate. We don't believe that anymore - but now and then we need to take our attention off the latest proposed "fix" and ask ourselves what it is we believe now.

A result of our sexual permissive society, the pressure that people feel in our ever increasing competitive environment or just plain barbarism?

[GLADIATOR]

Is it really pressure, or is it all the violent and porno movies/videos we are subjected to.

I am convinced it's too east for any age to be exposed to sexual violence. Thats then copied on our streets and in our homes.

I never knew any of these things. We are educating our children and minds in all sorts of barbaric acts. Drugs does not help either.

An affluent society more like effluent.

[Diva]

Leave my porn out of this!

I do believe that children should be protected from seeing 'adult' situations. Showing them violence at an early age only gives them a new action, without the moralistic grounds to understand what is right and wrong. This is why I was opposed to that ad being shown in the UK where the child is being murdered. Do you really think that a child will understand that? Our kids have not been brought up in the same world as we have, or we our parents before us. You give up at least half of your influence to babysitters and daycare centers. After a day's work, how much time is really spent with the kids? You cook, clean and get ready for bed, right?

Then there is the ever failing judicial system that believes children should be with their parents, even when there is abuse. How the hell does an over-worked social worker see abuse coming? My mother was abusive. But the day before the worker came, she acted as sweet as pie.

When you put a child in a foster home, it is assumed that the child is safe. There are too many people who take the kids for the money, not to give them love.

Then there are the women who get into abusive relationships. The children are subjected to seeing and being a part of this warped situation.

The bottom line is accountability. How can we honestly make people accountable for their children's safety when there are so many outside factors to fight? I think that we assume since we fared well with our lives that the kids 'will do just fine'. What isn't accounted for is that the times have changed and the children need to be protected even more than before.

[SysLord]

* SysLord thinks Diva would be a great mum :)

[Lonster]

I agree Diva we be a Great Mom!

Regarding outside factors making it more difficult now than when we were kids, I totally agree. So what we do as parents has to change. Please forgive me in advance for the project manager in me before I start.

We have to Plan for our kids safety and we have to minimize the risks to our kids, in other words be proactive. How do we do that?

We screen all pasties that will be taking care of our kids. We conduct thorough background searches. We have our kid's friends over our houses to give them a safe place to play. We network with other parents we know to be each other's backups when we want to go out! We talk to our kids about the dangers out there. We get our kids fingerprinted for child identification. There are a lot of other things we can do as well.

It is sad that we have to do these things, but is the world we live in. It would be great if one parent could stay home with the kids and yet this is not always possible, due to single parent homes and the current economy. So we have to minimize the dangers as much as humanly possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Diva]

Thanks for the compliment, but there's no kids in this gal's future.

Hey Lonster! How's my cowboy doing? I think that you have some great ideas. I also think that they should be done no matter what the era. It's important to be a part of the child's life. I think that knowing their friends and their friends' parents is a healthy thing. In the best of circumstances, things happen.

I admire women who are able to work and raise children. Working moms have the hardest burden. I don't know how well I'd fair given those circumstances.

If you 'protect' the children from as much hate and violence as possible [key word], I think that violence itself will start to go down.

[SysLord]

Hey Lonster, are you working for the CIA? :) Still your points are valid even tough I am not a parent myself.

[Jake]

I've worked with so many kids who's situation was a product of their environment. You have no idea how infuriating it is to here some punk ass parent tell me that they don't know why the kid turned out this way. Meanwhile I can still see scars from where they 'diciplined' him. We should up the prosecution for child abuse while we're at it.

[GLADIATOR]

Hey fellow posters. This is a first for me. We basically all agree, it's unanimous. Oh hell, here comes aussie!

Now the question, I ask you all.

consider you do have two children, under current society conditions. What would you change/do to 'try' to ensure your children get the greatest chance they can. I do not mean money, just good common sense upbringing.

PS. Keeping them away from aussie, is not an alternative. lol

Lets hear your ideas.

[SysLord]

are you asking for parental advice for your own daughters Gladiator? :)

[kms]

Being a parent myself and yes a sole parent I find it incredibly hard to understand how parents can physically and emotionally hurt their children. The love that I feel for my children is utterly and completely whole and I wonder what makes me different from these parents.

I think upbringing is the key. My mother was a sole parent bringing up 5 children by herself and even though she never said I love you very much we knew it anyway. Just by what she did for us. I have deep sorrow for people who have'nt had this kind of love as I could not imagine life without it.

As to how can we help our children to grow up as kind caring and
whole individuals it must be done from an early age. If you show compassion and love then your children will only know this as well. Saying that, I know tht some parents dont know how to do this as they have never had it. I am a true believer of you are what your parents make you. The issues about porn and violent movies, well if a child knows the difference between right and wrong there are no issues. My children are not exposed to a great deal but when they are i talk about it with them.

I am not saying that I am the be all and end all of parenting but its just common sense.

There is no way that we can stop the violence but there are ways we can help to make more people aware as lonster stated.

One more word to say and that is love to all the children who don't have any:kissy:

If we all showed these children a little love then maybe the world would be a better place.


PS> and if our judical system started to think more about the sentences they hand out, who knows!!!!!!

[Redallnite]

Put my daughter in a comma when she was 13 and wake her when she is 21. That way I would have missed all the rantings of a teenage girl!!!

[GLADIATOR]

Originally posted by SysLord
are you asking for parental advice for your own daughters Gladiator? :)

Ha no. My kids have reached the really mature age of 16 and 19. There is nothing they already do not know.:(

The only advice my kids now want, is how does inflation effect their pocket money?

Originally posted by Redallnite
Put my daughter in a comma when she was 13 and wake her when she is 21. That way I would have missed all the rantings of a teenage girl!!!

Bet you wouldn't. Its seeing the improvements and changes in their understanding that's the beauty of bringing up children.

I bet your daughter is your best mate, and vice versa. Be honest.

[Diva]

Originally posted by GLADIATOR
I bet your daughter is your best mate, and vice versa. Be honest. *remembers Red slapping the shit out of her daughter before*

Hmmmm. Can I just be pals then?

[Jake]

There are a lot of different factors in this. There are children who come from violent homes who then grow to become violent themselves.

Drugs can make you violent. So can hanging out with violent people. The key is to try and stop the chain from making another link.

There are some people that are just born bad. I've seen em and I've met their parents, family and neighbors. They're just mean.

[GLADIATOR]

Good points Jake. But sometimes trying to "stop the chain from making another link" also causes violence. The act of trying to stop causes resentment and anger. I know well from my younger daughter. Sometimes it is better to allow the slack hoping they come to their own senses.

it's a very fine balance.

[Jake]

Maybe I should explain what I meant. When there is violence in a home, removing the child as early as possible is best. I don't subscribe to the parents should keep the child rules. What is important is that the child go to a loving home and 'retrain' them back to normalcy.

[GLADIATOR]

I presume you mean foster children, and not a standard family. Even then it's not so easy 'retrain' a child. Of course love and compassion will help, but if you have a rebellious child, it's not so easy.

[Jake]

Don't I know it! I'm sitting here on a Ranch full of them. These kids slipped through the cracks and right into my lap, so to speak. Too bad I couldn't catch them sooner.

[kms]

Hey Jake I am in agreement with you on some things. Firstly yes take the child away from the violent situation. However this is very difficult as usually no matter what the parent has done the child still has love for this parent and doesn't want to leave them. This is where it gets tricky. Should you take the child away and then risk that child feeling anger and resentment over what has been done to them. Life is so complex. To do or not to do!!
Sadly the choice is usually left to the child and they make a decision based on this false love because they don't know anything else. My heart aches for these children.
I am a firm believer in showing kindness to all. In my sons class there is a little boy who is angry, awful and downright mean all of the time but I never hesitate to stop to say hello and hows things. To start with this boy would look at me as if I was queer.
He wouldn't even aknowledge me. But now just recently I catch him looking to see if I am coming. In anticipation I think. If people took the time out to say one friendly word to these kids what a difference it would make. Oh well I think I have prattled on enough. Just like to say keep up the good work Jake The world needs people like you!!!!:)

[Jake]

Thank you, Gladiator. I wish the world had more parents like you. Too often the parents feel that it's the teacher's problem and don't work with them on helping the child. If only people would take responsibility for their children's sake. If you have to work extra hard to 'straighten out' a child, the result is worth it.

[GLADIATOR]

Thanks Jake, I am not sure my daughters would always agree with you.

I surely do not believe it's the teachers job to take responsibility of our children. Their job is to give them an education, my job it to bring my kids up with respect, dignity and some common sense.

I am pleased to report, both my kids are working out fine, so it seem (thank G-D ) to be working.

[Jake]

I hope they do realize it, Gladiator. At least realize that they are a better person for it.

[GLADIATOR]

Originally posted by Jake
I hope they do realize it, Gladiator. At least realize that they are a better person for it.

I also wonder that as well. I remember how my own parents helped supported me, and wonder if I showed my appreciation and thanks enough. It's my biggest nightmare not knowing that.

We are all to easy to criticise or not appreciate what our parents do in the name of love. We (parents) are not looking ever for thanks, only an end good result.

You are a very smart and compassionate person Jake, I can sincerely tell that.

[Jake]

Why thank you, Gladiator. I try to be good towards others. I hope that it rubs off and they in return are good to the next person. Wouldn't that be grand?