Diva
04-04-02, 07:53PM
Perhaps You Didn't See The 'No Stalking' Clause
Why do I meet all the freaks of the city? Once, just once, I'd like to meet someone who isn't certifiable. so I'm standing in line at the supermarket, minding my own business when this guy starts having a phlegm attack. You know, the subtle (yeah right) clearing of the throat. so I do the appropriate thing... I ignore him. Hey, it's LA. Again with the phlegm, again with the ignore. Then my bottle of wine falls over onto his bread. Shit. Game over. I turn to apologize, and of course he's cute. So, the once overs begin.. the equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts. Thank G-d I'm not a dog. He buys my groceries (I knew I should have bought more) and now I'm feeling awkward. I hate the 'owing' feeling. We're walking out together and I keep offering to pay him for the groceries, then he says, "How about you buy me dinner?" Shit. On one hand, I like meeting new people, so it might be fun... on the other hand, I could end up as 'victim # 3. I never liked that chopped up into pieces glad-bag look. I declined. We went our separate ways. After a couple of errands I pull into this little cafe for dinner. Guess who pulls up right beside me. Being the trouper that I am, I refrained from screaming, "SOMEBODY HELP ME THERE'S A PSYCHO MANIAC IN A BMW Foll..." Hmmm. So, we have dinner. Nice chit chat. He keeps asking where I live, etc... I lie. BMW or not, the glad-bag theory still stands. I take his number, mentally file it in the round file and we part. I'm driving home and glance in the rear view mirror, that fucker's following me! This is where my joy of horror films comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm thinking 'The Hitchhiker' and being drawn and quartered... I call 911. I'm put on fucking hold. I glance in the rearview mirror. He doesn't look 'happy'. Did I just see his eye twitch?!?!?! I say shit and the operator comes on (of course), "Excuse me?" Oh sorry. Psycho following me. "You need to call the police." I thought I was?!!?!? "What city are you in?" I don't know... The city I die in!!!? "There's no need to get snippy." Sorry. I'm not myself. I usually don't have a PSYCHO FOLLOWING ME!!!! "Yelling won't get you help any faster." Never mind. I'm on my own. so I pull into a crowded parking lot, so does he. I pulled my car up beside his and asked' "Where are you going?" "Huh? Oh just driving around." What direction? "Why?" Because I want to go the opposite. "Huh? Bu.." Look. You've been following me. This is not a question. I want you to stop. I am not interested. I am not going to call you. If I see that you are following me again I will have your ass thrown in jail. Got it? Good." and then I took off. Sigh... I hate living in LA. My friend said, "What if that was your soul mate?" fuck you.
You Want To Buy Something From Us? Beg, Bitch
Customer service my ass. I go to the mall for makeup and try to get the attention of the overly made-up sales person-chick. I get treated like I'm interrupting her valuable chit chat time. I'm not saying that my one purchase will make or break the company... But it adds up. So this bimbo behind the makeup counter is gossiping about something. I make eye contact. She looks through me. Not a good idea. 'Excuse me.' Without even looking, she says 'just a minute.' I try again only to get, ' I said just... a... minute'. Not a good idea. I say, 'Do you work here, or do we pick our own makeup." Yeah, I know, Not the friendliest ice-breaker. "May I help you?" Before I open my mouth, 'Oh Jenn... Wait. I'll be a sec. I want to tell you what SHE said." She turns and looks like I've standing there for hours. Fine. I can take a hint... 'I... would.... li..ke... to... see.... your...lipsticks....pleeeease." Woo hoo! Set her right into bitch mode. "Which one?" She hissed. "Ummmmmmmmmmmm....... Hmmmmmmmmm..... All... of them.' I smile that 'fuck you' smile. After looking through and asking about thirty different colors... I say, " You know, I'll just get my blush." I thought she was going to jump over the counter. Of course I paid in cash. I'm no fool.
Why do I meet all the freaks of the city? Once, just once, I'd like to meet someone who isn't certifiable. so I'm standing in line at the supermarket, minding my own business when this guy starts having a phlegm attack. You know, the subtle (yeah right) clearing of the throat. so I do the appropriate thing... I ignore him. Hey, it's LA. Again with the phlegm, again with the ignore. Then my bottle of wine falls over onto his bread. Shit. Game over. I turn to apologize, and of course he's cute. So, the once overs begin.. the equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts. Thank G-d I'm not a dog. He buys my groceries (I knew I should have bought more) and now I'm feeling awkward. I hate the 'owing' feeling. We're walking out together and I keep offering to pay him for the groceries, then he says, "How about you buy me dinner?" Shit. On one hand, I like meeting new people, so it might be fun... on the other hand, I could end up as 'victim # 3. I never liked that chopped up into pieces glad-bag look. I declined. We went our separate ways. After a couple of errands I pull into this little cafe for dinner. Guess who pulls up right beside me. Being the trouper that I am, I refrained from screaming, "SOMEBODY HELP ME THERE'S A PSYCHO MANIAC IN A BMW Foll..." Hmmm. So, we have dinner. Nice chit chat. He keeps asking where I live, etc... I lie. BMW or not, the glad-bag theory still stands. I take his number, mentally file it in the round file and we part. I'm driving home and glance in the rear view mirror, that fucker's following me! This is where my joy of horror films comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm thinking 'The Hitchhiker' and being drawn and quartered... I call 911. I'm put on fucking hold. I glance in the rearview mirror. He doesn't look 'happy'. Did I just see his eye twitch?!?!?! I say shit and the operator comes on (of course), "Excuse me?" Oh sorry. Psycho following me. "You need to call the police." I thought I was?!!?!? "What city are you in?" I don't know... The city I die in!!!? "There's no need to get snippy." Sorry. I'm not myself. I usually don't have a PSYCHO FOLLOWING ME!!!! "Yelling won't get you help any faster." Never mind. I'm on my own. so I pull into a crowded parking lot, so does he. I pulled my car up beside his and asked' "Where are you going?" "Huh? Oh just driving around." What direction? "Why?" Because I want to go the opposite. "Huh? Bu.." Look. You've been following me. This is not a question. I want you to stop. I am not interested. I am not going to call you. If I see that you are following me again I will have your ass thrown in jail. Got it? Good." and then I took off. Sigh... I hate living in LA. My friend said, "What if that was your soul mate?" fuck you.
You Want To Buy Something From Us? Beg, Bitch
Customer service my ass. I go to the mall for makeup and try to get the attention of the overly made-up sales person-chick. I get treated like I'm interrupting her valuable chit chat time. I'm not saying that my one purchase will make or break the company... But it adds up. So this bimbo behind the makeup counter is gossiping about something. I make eye contact. She looks through me. Not a good idea. 'Excuse me.' Without even looking, she says 'just a minute.' I try again only to get, ' I said just... a... minute'. Not a good idea. I say, 'Do you work here, or do we pick our own makeup." Yeah, I know, Not the friendliest ice-breaker. "May I help you?" Before I open my mouth, 'Oh Jenn... Wait. I'll be a sec. I want to tell you what SHE said." She turns and looks like I've standing there for hours. Fine. I can take a hint... 'I... would.... li..ke... to... see.... your...lipsticks....pleeeease." Woo hoo! Set her right into bitch mode. "Which one?" She hissed. "Ummmmmmmmmmmm....... Hmmmmmmmmm..... All... of them.' I smile that 'fuck you' smile. After looking through and asking about thirty different colors... I say, " You know, I'll just get my blush." I thought she was going to jump over the counter. Of course I paid in cash. I'm no fool.